Dear President Bush:
Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals.
Actually, we’re a bit ticked off here in California, so we’re leaving.
California will now be its own country. And we’re taking all the Blue States wih us.
In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the Northeast.
We spoke to God, and He/She agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California. In fact, God is so excited about it, He/She’s going to shift the whole country at 4:30 PM EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then.
So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get the Governator, stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. (Okay, we have to keep Martha Stewart, we can live with that.)
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard and Stanford. You get Ole Miss.
We get 85% of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama.
We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single parents to support, and we know how much you like that.
Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation’s veggies? But heck, the only greens the red staters eat are the pickles on their Big Macs.
Oh yeah, another thing, don’t plan on serving California wine at your state dinners. From now on it’s imported French wine for you. Ouch, bet that hurts.
Just so we’re clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and antiwar. Speaking of war, we’re going to want all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals.
Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously.
On a related note, Becca gets mad at me for bashing the evangelical south. She’s right, they are part of this country whether we like it or not. And the south is considerably poorer than the north. So can’t we find it in our bleeding hearts to be the bigger people and stop the ridicule and just help them out a little?
Not until they take down the confederate flags.
A letter posted on Mattie’s Blogger.
By the way–for those who don’t have a sense of humor–I will clarify that I share the frustration expressed in the letter at the people who voted for Bush, against their own interests (as did my mother). I don’t, however, share the broad sweep of animosity toward southern states, because contained within those states are urban areas vehemently opposed to Bush and his neocon cabal, and other areas where tough, independent-thinking people aren’t afraid to speak their minds against Bush’s policies. Urban areas everywhere around the country voted against Bush in 2004, just as they did in 2000. Despite the ludicrously simple-minded portrayal of red states/blue states by the media, the battle lines are urban/suburban/rural with particular demographic variations.